Cadrene stared miserably into the fire, her eyes beginning to water. She would never see her parents again. Never feel her mother’s warm hands stroking her hair. Never smell her dad’s wonderful cooking, nor taste it. She stared down at her tiny feet, pointless tears slipping away. Crying wasn’t going to bring them back. She sniffled and wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeves. It all seemed surreal, like she was just in an ever-going nightmare. Now she just had to wake up. “Wake up! Wake up!” she whispered to herself fiercely. It was hopeless. Her parents were gone. A tight knot formed in her stomach. Her parents were dead.
This is just the first paragraph of one of my stories. Tell me what you think.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...that is certainly a first paragraph and a half there. Phew. There's certainly no doubting exactly where that is trying to go. I think you manage to paint a very powerful picture there and you most definitely manage to hook the readers there right away. Its the sort of paragraph that instantly makes you want to know more about what came before this and what comes after.
I think you manage to capture these emotions here quite powerfully, which goes a long way towards making this as interesting as it is. It looks like this person is in that stage of grief where they've stopped denying it and is trying her hardest to accept it and move on even as they seem to have a rather difficult time being a functional human being here.
It really captures the raw feeling of the emotion rather well and because this situation is so humanized especially by those lines towards the end and this is something you can universally relate we still feel some powerful emotion on behalf of this character even if we have absolutely no idea who she are or who her parents were yet.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I agree with all the above. Posting a short extract doesn't really give a clear picture of what the story is about.
Haha... I have to agree with Jiggity. And Sam. And Wiggy. It's catchy, but it needs some substance and real emotion behind it. So we have to see more to really have an opinion on it. A paragraph is usually not enough.
At the moment, it looks very angsty though. Which is okay, because it needs to be catchy and angst is catchy, but if it continues in a similar way, then you better beware!
Post the entire thing. Its impossible to jusdge a story accurately based on an excerpt. It does, however, seem to be well written. Post the rest and we shall see.
It was really nice! I think you need to continute this definitely. What's the story called?
Wiggy
*salutes* Ahoy! So, I'm Sam, and when I critique I look at the stuff I like, and then the stuff I'd change. I'm...er...detail-oriented, but really, I'm nice.
STUFF I LIKED:
- I liked the detail about her tiny feet- it makes her interesting. We'd be able to pick her out in a crowd. However, if this is her one defining feature, describe it more! It's always good to balance out dramatic scenes witht some description.
- I liked how reasonable she is. She does realize that she can't mope around forever, and we do like strong main characters.
STUFF THAT NEEDS A SECOND LOOK:
- Here's a tip I picked up from one of Snoink's arcticles- inject some sarcasm into soppy scenes. It's really hard to write an original dramatic scene because they're so often used to get a few tears in the movies. You don't have to make it a laugh riot- you do want us to be sad, right?- but put in a line or two that's a little unorthodox and tongue-in-cheek.
- Is she in shock? The good parents and the 'wonderful cooking' suggested to me that this was a pretty normal, loving family. Parents don't randomly drop dead in suburban America- so describe why she's crying a little longer.
If you're using their death as a plot device- in other words, she eventually comes to realize how her parents died- leave out the circumstances of their deaths and instead focused how she will cope with the situation.
- You sort of repeat yourself with the two lines 'her parents were gone' and 'her parents were dead'. Pick one, and scrap the other one.